Thursday night's alright for fighting
by flesh and bone telephone
Summary: Chapter 2: Bromantic overtones, lifting of livestock, naisu guy serial killers, IKEA monkeys, wild Canadian sex and even more mindless bitches. "I'M SORRY, IS SLUT IN SEASON?" [Recaps of Vampire Diaries episodes, as never seen before]
1. We All Go a Little Batshit Sometimes, Yo

**disclaimer:** i don't own anything.  
**dedication:** i love you tvd, for all your glaring imperfections and elena worship, not inspite of them, but BECAUSE of them.  
**warning:** if you're offended by any of this harmless crap, then, i feel i should tell you before hand that not a single flying fuck will probably be given on my part.  
**notes:** i feel like i'm the only one who cares about how the guest characters just needlessly die. they're doomed from the moment they appear on screen. i really hate that. :(  
**even moar notes:** damon's line of when Elena disappears and Stefan is angsting is directly airlifted from one of hannah's tweets. I REGRET NOTHING.

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_THURSDAY NIGHT ON THE CW._

_SEASON 4, EPISODE 6_

_WE ALL GO A LITTLE BATSHIT SOMETIMES, YO.  
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* * *

Elena couldn't sleep, she was tormented with the thoughts of last night. How Stefan had betrayed her, how Connor had stuck her to the floor and tried throttling her beautiful brains out of her body. Her body ached, she had dug a grave by herself which she was supposed to be proud of for accomplishing _by herself,_ but how rude was it that two grown men who were supposed to be in love with her had just stood there and not even offered to help out?! Chivalry was dead, except in Klaus. But then, Klaus was British, his typecast was probably being a chivalrous murderer and offering his female victims handwoven kerchiefs before he bashed their brains in. Also, Klaus was weird, and probably insane, for what sane man was not in love with her hoity-toity Sweet Valley charming self?

Anyway, she thought long and hard. Twisting in her sheets and pouting at the ceiling and lamenting her life in general.

Being a Vampire was so _hard_. Living forever, and being awesome, and fought over by two hot dudes aside - things were really difficult! Everyone protected her right and left and she was never allowed in on the action and it was like _dudes, let me breathe._

She was an independent woman. She could do things for herself. She could be an independent woman and pin Damon to some stranger's bed without being viewed as a romantic moment, because all of that? That was platonic, bitches.

It's not like it mattered anyway now, not since she found out her perfect boyfriend was actauly a dudu-head.

Elena decided to take a shower to cool off.

She was scrub a dub-dubbing happily until the shower decided to turn red. AGAIN. Seriously, what was with the blood hallucinations? Oh well, Elena just took this in stride and got out with a towel wrapped snugly around her body. She didn't need to tell anyone because this was her life anyway.

When she still couldn't sleep she decided to have some cocoa, because this was America and a woman could have cocoa in a microwave at whatever hour she chose without two brothers breathing down her neck like in the old days.

"Cocoa." A voice piped up behind her, Elena whipped around so fast her hair whipped into her eyes. There was no one there.

Hm, must have been imaging it. Elena thought, slipping into her default; denial and delusion.

"Cocoa," Connor rumbled again, and she almost jumped out of her skin at the sound of his voice. He stood in the kitchen like he owned it, and - ew, Elena's heart hammered against her ribs, his neck was still bloody and his _ARMS_. "You don't deserve to have cocoa, that innocent, wholesome beverage cannot be tainted by your touch."

Elena thought this was unfair, but she was ever the diplomat. "Well, I am a grown woman, an independent woman, and I will have cocoa just like any other man."

"You're a vampire, you don't deserve cocoa. You killed me."

Now, Elena wanted to be objective and stand her ground like a true suffragette, but Connor - oh he was frightening, the memory of them rolling around on the floor of the Grille gave her _shivers_. He was so tall and _big_ and bald and _imposing_. All man and hot skin and blood and flesh and bone. Also, hello, wifebeater. What sort of oil did he use on his pecs to keep them so toned? And his arms, they were made for killing vampires, but also for hauling princesses out of dungeons and slathering sunscreen on a partner's back and -

Connor was not impressed by her nonchalant zoned out expression. "You killed me. I had a brother, wife and kids. A family of kittens living in my trailer which no one will feed. You killed those kittens too, by extension."

Elena was no stranger to necrophilia, because, hello. She'd been dating Salvatores and slinging dead people on prom dancefloors even since before she was a vampire. Also, dude was in her headspace, _her_ headspace, so, like, whatever. She could stand and look and watch the way she wanted.

The refrigerator door opened behind her, and she thought Jeremy had maybe come down to be annoying again but when she turned around she was greeted by a head of perfect curls bobbing as Katherine was riffling through their groceries.

"Katherine." Elena declared in horror.

"Oh my god, so Jeremy apparently needs you? Does he _need_ you to forget to buy the milk?" Katherine scoffed, digging out the bad carton and dropping it on the floor in disgust. "I forgot that Ric did all the cooking. Tell me, Elena, is take-out every day and shoddy groceries any way for a growing boy to eat?"

Oh no, Elena's insides churned. Jeremy _needed_ her, and who cares what Katherine thought? Bad groceries didn't matter if Jeremy and her loved eachother enough to keep being alive.

"Tell me," Katherine folded her arms, classy as always in a blouse and skinny jeans, heels combo. "When was the last time you asked Jeremy about his APA Literature assignment?"

Connor added his own two cents. "Wow, you really are a pathetic sister."

Elena whipped around to glare at his arms, and his jaw line, and his…face. His face, she was looking at that. He looked concerned, dissapointed in her, disgusted.

"She keeps moaning about how she needs to stay around for him, but I haven't seen any constructive effort on her part to actually fill the role of being a big sister. Being alive and keeping him alive is all good and stuff, Elena, but when are you going to realize that Jeremy needs more than that?" Katherine snarked. Connor shook his head, walking past Elena to sit on the kitchen counter, nearer to Katherine who was buffing her nails on her sleeve. "When was the last time you went for a teacher's parents meeting? Have you talked to him about using protection?"

"Oh my _god_," Elena moaned into her hands.

Connor sneered. "You should just die."

"No! I love Jeremy! He needs me! I take him for walks sometimes, and I feed him, and he likes to chase squirrels in the park - I take good care of him." Elena proclaimed, teary eyed, her body shaking.

Katherine's face twisted in disgust, united with the hunter in dissapointment and general disdain. "You take good care of him, perhaps. But are you taking the _best_ care of him?"

"Maybe you should call social services." Connor suggested seriously. "Because Jeremy deserves wider space and a good family that will not only take him for walks but also give him a bath and let him see a good vet and make the effort you - being so busy with drama and school and deciding which Salvatore to bang - cannot."

"But I _love_ him."

Katherine shoved a finger down her throat, displaying that she had not the palat for bullshit.

Connor wrinkled his nose. "You should die. But you should also call social services first."

"He's still young, families like the puppy eyed look, and he's vacant and stupid. They'll adopt him."

Elena hissed. "You're not taking my brother away from me!" She grabbed the knife and lunged.

Connor made a bitch face, but being dead, he didn't really dodge the way he should have. Elena shoved the knife in his neck.

Jeremy gurgled, blood spluttering into his mouth, bewildered by the knife lodged in his neck.

"Oh my god, Jeremy!" Elena shrieked, managing to slump to the ground with him and tear the knife out of his throat.

Jeremy glared at her indelicateness and died slumped against the kitchen island like a drunk homeless person.

* * *

Damon trapiesed into the house, Jeremy was already on the couch looking dead, pretty much. Elena decided to tell him about her hallucinations, and also rail at him about his brother who was probably having sex with Klaus instead of bothering to tell the truth to his girlfriend. Elena knew he wasn't under compulsion, and she knew that he and Klaus had always had some weird testesterone thing going on, so. Yeah.

Also, Damon was looking sexy and concerened most of the time when he wasn't going around killing people's dads and turning their mom's into vampires and raping them in general. It seemed like a pretty good time to be interested in boning him, considering Stefan and her were currently on the outs, so she could have sex with him and probably and get away with it on the grounds of '_going through a lot_.'

Damon's eyebrows danced on his face, doing a derisive samba when Stefan finally showed up so Elena could be all righteous and mean and opposite of understanding with him.

Stefan deflated, drooping like a sunflower in a darkened room.

The whole situation was so overwhelmingly _gay._

And then Jeremy woke up, fluttering his big stupid eyes at them, obnoxious and innocent and being all like _What happened?_

"Blegh." Damon said and followed Stefan up the stairs instead of making any humane effort to explain anything to Jeremy or help him with a traumatic situation, because not explaining one's self or actions is Salvatore M.O.

Stefan went to Elena's room so he could serenade her with proclamations of 'I'm doing this because I _love_ you.' and 'I can't explain now because of SECRET CIRCUMSTANCES THAT ARE SO SECRET AND CIRCUMSTANTIAL YOU CANNOT CURRENTLY KNOW ABOUT THEM, UNTIL, OBVIOUSLY, AT THE END OF THE EPISODE WHERE THE SECRET AND THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF THE SECRET CIRCUMSTANCE WILL BE INEVITABLE REVEALED BECAUSE _GOD FORBID_ SOMEONE DECIDE TO LEAVE _THE_ ELENA GILBERT OUT OF THE LOOP - BEING LEFT OUT OF THE LOOP IS BEHAVIOR ISOLATED TO HER FRIENDS, BECAUSE APPARENTLY, BEING INFORMED OF DANGEROUS CIRCUMSTANCES WHETHER THEY ARE SECRET OR CIRCUMSTANCIAL OR SECRETLY CIRCUMSTANCIAL SECRET CIRCUMSTANCES IS NOT SOMETHING PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT NEED TO KNOW UNLESS YOU ARE FIGHTING WITH YOUR BROTHER ABOUT WHO GETS TO BONE THEM.'

Elena decided since she was a good person, and a good girlfriend she obviously wouldn't give her boyfriend the time of day because she was currently angsting, and her brother probably needed to go over the Scarlet Letter with her again and also ANGST.

The door of Alaric's room was open slightly, as Elena made her way to the bathroom she studiously ignored the sounds of Damon rolling around in her dead history teacher's sheets and chewing on one of Alaric's shoes.

Grief, Elena decided mournfully, made everyone a little mad sometimes.

_YOUR LOVE ALONE, IS NOT ENOUGH NOT ENOUGH NOT ENOUGH._

Stefan went down stairs and answered the phone ONLY when he was sure Elena was having one of her long shower scenes again. Also, when the chorus of his super hip and happening Manic Street Preacher's ringtone had passed.

_Your love alone, is not enough not enough not enough -_

"Sup yo."

"Klaus," Stefan said, cautious. "You sound weirdly happy."

"I am not, okay. I angst just as well as you do. _God_, Stefan."

"Okay. Um, I don't wanna talk about it tho. Because, um, I'm a failure," Stefan hung his head in shame, "Connor died."

"A pity, he had _amazing_ arms."

Stefan sort of just, um, like _what_. "…Okay."

"Have the hallucinations started?"

"I'm going to pretend like I'm surprised that you know everything for a moment."

"Okay."

A moment passed.

"So where are you?"

"Elena's house, _duh_." Because, hello. Salvatore-Central.

"Well, thet's good, because I'm also, conveniently here. Because, I was walking. And I am here now."

Ugh, Stefan mashed his palm against his temples, he _so_ did not need Klaus here right now so Elena could stick her jaw and glare at them suspiciously. Because, it wasn't like, ever going to happen. _Ever_. They were bros. Klaus liked Caroline, and Stefan liked boobs and vaginas and he was tots a leg-man and stuff. NO HOMO.

Stefan flounced out of the house, broody as usual. Klaus and him began to have a meaningful conversation once Stefan ended the call.

"Nice shoes, invite me in."

"Never." Stefan said primly.

Klaus smiled roguishly.

Then, CLIFF HANGER.

* * *

Elena's shower was red again, and then she went downstairs, and obviously Damon was going through her washing machine in hunt of Alaric's old underwear that she had yet to remove from the dryer because she had been so busy dealing with her angst.

But when Damon looked up, he looked very much less caucasian than usual.

"Connor," she gasped.

Connor made another bitch face, because, hello? _Racist!_

"Get out of my house!"

Damon had been kind of stunned being found with Alaric's things in his hands and just been frozen, but then heaved a huge sigh of relief when Elena decided she was hallucinating about a taller, broader, balder man. He hugged Alaric's briefs to his chest tightly, _good_, as long as this was a hallucination, _no one had to know._

Connor shook his head, still in bloody wifebeater. "When was the last time Jeremy had a clean change of clothes? Have you really been taking care of him, Elena?"

Elena curled her hands into fists, furious. "I give him three square meals a day, and I clean his room. He doesn't have a problem with when I decide to do the laundry!"

Connor's expression turned all _oh-honey_, while still maintaining the cold-hard exterior of a hunter with a set of amazing amazing _arms_. Seriously. Dem curduroy pantz and dem biceps. Outta this _world._

Elena threw her hands in the air and stormed out of the house. "Oh my god, Stefan - what the actual fuck -"

And then her boyfriend's boyfriend was there super-speeding her away from sight.

Stefan looked at the empty porch, threw his hands into his artfully messed up hair and dropped to his knees, screaming among the still and dissapointed garden gnomes. "NOOOOOOO!"

Damon skidded out the door, briefs caught between his teeth, eyes panicky and eyebrows still doing the tango, "_Oh my god, Elena, you had _one_ job_."

* * *

Bonnie and Damon went to see that weird Shane guy. Damon thought he was weird, because the case was normally so with all of Bonnie's potential love interests. It was the way of the world. Anyway, there was a presentation, it was creepy, and then Damon found an excuse to go to Ric's office to wait for them both while Bonnie tore Shane's clothes off with her eyes.

What kind of name was Shane anyway?

_Gaaaay._

Damon opened Ric's drawer, because obviously, he'd compelled the school into never allowing another teacher to empty the desk out and put in their own stuff, because Damon was made of sentiment and feelz these days. Also, bromance meant there was a bottle of something most likely alcohol in the desk. Or urine, he wouldn't put it past Alaric. He was one weird dude, that crazy mother-effer. Damon hummed nostalgicaly, swigging back the bottle.

And suddenly, a wild Bonnie appeared.

And Shane, too.

There was testesterone and tension, Damon asked about the hunter's mark. Shane asked him what his proffessional field was.

"Boobs," Damon said, absolutely straight faced while Bonnie just sort of bashed her head against a wall. "I am a proffessor of boobs."

Shane eyed him for a long time, but must have decided that Damon - being King of Shadiness - had a story that apparently checked out. Even though he had never seen a proffessor of boobs with his own eyes before.

"Well, Damon, I'm going to be suspicious and creepy and display that I know everything to know about these creepy things. Because, in my spare time, I have nothing better to do than read on archaic supernatural crap and regale underaged girls about how many times I've travelled the world and how that makes me inherently wise. Because that is totally what people do these days. It's normal."

Damon narrowed his eyes.

Shane spilled the beans, then left so he could comb his hair or fetch some research papers or what_ever._

Bonnie was super embarrassed. "I am SUPER embarrassed." she hissed at the Salvatore, "I can't believe I let you come here with me! Do you have to be such a douche all the time? And where are we going to find another hunter?"

Damon ignored her, calling Jeremy, who was on his speed-dial.

Bonnie was a little disturbed.

* * *

Jeremy's ears pricked up. Matt and Amy were swallowed in a cloud of dust in the aftermath of their friend quickly ditching them.

Matt sort of just sighed, because this was his life now. Whenever he appeared on screen he was always carrying a box of something, or with a towel slung over one shoulder at the Grille or wasting his time in meaningless convos with guest stars - dammit, he had gone to _Juliard._

Amy was kind of sure Jeremy was doing crack. She hoped he was, because at least that made sense.

"Oh well," Matt declared, gazing forlornly at the rock displayed in the middle of the room, hating it already because it probably had more plot relevance than he did. Dude, it had a back story involving witches named Silus and magic and stuff? How could he compete with that? "I guess I'm gonna dissapear into the woodwork."

"Okay," Amy said, following him into the gray area where side characters went to die.

* * *

Jeremy showed up, itching for plot relevance. Damon put an axe in his hand, because that was basically what he did. He was an _enabler._

Bonnie kind of just hated everyone because everyone's watches were obviously set to Elena-time again and now Damon was being sassy and mean and just _ugh_. She couldn't just magic a problem away. She felt so abused.

* * *

Stefan and Tyler pimped out Caroline to Klaus so they could bust Elena out.

They promised the precious sired hybrid that they would free him, and there would be no complications or ANYTHING because it's not like getting Elena out would hurt anyone.

"I don't understand, isn't it safer to let Klaus keep her safe?"

"No," Stefan said passionately, "She's being kept against her will!"

"But she'll hurt herself if she's let out, right?"

"…but still."

"Isn't it in ALL of our interests to just let Klaus keep her safe?"

"…"

"I mean I understand if he's actively hurting her or bleeding her out, but she's just in there, _safe_. There's a mini bar and a dozen of pretty paintings and it's a pretty sweet set up, so like, what's the _isht?_"

"…against..will…?"

"Stefan, I still don't understand why it's so important."

"True love?"

"That don't fly here."

"How _dare_ you!"

"Can you just look at the situation objectively for once, you guys?" The hybrid pressed, rational and practical in a way that had Stefan reeling. "It's safer for her to be here. She's not getting hurt."

"She needs to be with me."

"Ugh. Whatever." The hybrid gave up, brow beaten into defeat with Stefan's own dancing brows and Tyler's puppy dog eyes and just that he totally wasn't being paid enough for this.

"Don't worry," Tyler clapped him on the back. "Hayley and I have your back, bro."

* * *

"Hey, Hybrid 1, Hybrid 2, stop guarding this door."

"Um, why?"

"Klaus said, um something, about that, Tyler's…girl…Catherine."

"Okay," Hybrid 1 said, "that sounds reasonably vague and insubstantial and totally vague. But I'll take you on your word and leave."

"Good."

Stefan zipped up just as the two Hybrids dissappeared and the sired Hybrid gave him the keys. He looked sad and kind of scared. Stefan gave him two thumbs up, because that was a vote of confidence.

The hybrid just kind of sighed and booked a ticket out of Virginia.

Stefan burst through Elena's door to see his girlfriend hunched over her knees muttering something about college tuition and foster homes. When Elena saw him she darted on her feet, screaming. "I am a good sister! I am parenting material! I've watched enough 16 and pregnant to understand how to be responsible! I will never let him be adopted -"

"It's me, _Stefan_." Stefan said, somewhat stupidly.

And then Elena yanked a pipe from out of her lavish bed because Klaus had been lying apparently when he said there were no sharp objects to be fashioned into murder/suicide weapons before, and of course, writers, some consistency here?

And then she stabbed Stefan in the stomach.

"Et tu, Brute?" Stefan whimpered, he had always secretly wanted to say that. Truthfully he'd been disappointed when the Shakespeare hadn't crossed Klaus's lips that time they dessicated him, because it would have been fantastically theatrical.

Elena ran out of the room screaming and foaming at the mouth.

* * *

Stefan txted Caroline.

_Yo, not to rsuh or anythin, but I need a vampire for Jer to kill. Damon's words._

Caroline kind of hated her life.

_I'll make a vampire if I haz to. Kthxbai._

* * *

Klaus was having a good day. He got to shove a doppleganger into a cold windowless room, inflict phsychological torture and tease people with hints of his murky and secretive background. He left a hybrid in charge, because that always works out so magnificently.

"I was mad for 52 years, 3 months and 2 days," He proclaimed, grave.

Elena's eyes flashed with pity. "How did you get out?"

"One day…it just stopped."

Well, that had sounded encouraging.

As he skipped his way to the Grille - because it was the only classy bar in this one-pony town probs - well, as he skipped there in his little v-neck and his pretty hipster necklace he thought of Caroline and her bouncy hair and the fact that she had broken up with Tyler totally put her on the market for some rebound sex.

Also, Tyler was a douche.

While Klaus was strangely sympathetic for a beautiful woman's plight, he wished Caroline hadn't have had to have gone through that pain.

So he was chilling, in the bar, having a good glass of wine because he was so British it _hurt. _He was not at all suspicious when Caroline sauntered in and sat next to him being all coy and sexy with her good wrack in a shirt that dipped just _so._

They were all coquettish, and he exclaimed his condolences and Caroline was sass, again.

And just when they were about to have sex on the bar topp, or just when he thought they were going to, because - for gods sakes, look at him ladies, who would resist that rugged jaw and endearingly crisp accent? Caroline was a lady though, no matter how many corkscrew nipples she was throwing back on his tab.

Klaus was halfway in love with her until she told him that Elena had escaped.

Klaus was pissed.

He was pissed, and he had to storm away so Caroline wouldn't see his bottom lip wobble. Because, My god, why couldn't HE get the girl, _ever?_

* * *

The Hybrid that was going to die decided to make a pit-stop at Tyler's mansion because of reasons. He really hated Virginia.

"We're going to take care of you, from afar." Hailey said, encouragingly.

"How?" asked the Hybrid, defeated with all of it.

"…By doing…stuff."

"…Whatever."

The Hybrid opened the door and Klaus was there, tears in his eyes. He just sort of groaned because he was SO not in the mood for a bro-frontation about loyalty and love and why it was important to put the cutlery in the dishwasher everytime a meal was over because it was thoughtful.

Klaus said mean things, shouted at a minor and was greeted with sass.

There was sass everywhere, Mystic Falls had sass parades.

Hailey didn't die. The Hybrid decided to make like a banana and split.

Stefan stabbed him in the stomach. THE BETRAYAL.

Jeremy appeared, looking earnest and eager as usual. There was an axe in his hands.

The Hybrid just sort of rolled over to die because he'd know it would end like this since the beginning. This was what happened when you forgot to put your watch on Elena-time, and trusted stupid minors and just decided to breathe in Mystic Falls in general. He heaved a sigh while Tyler and Hailey got high off the drama and started screaming and just making noise and stuff.

No wonder property was so cheap in Mystic Falls.

* * *

Elena went to wickery bridge. Because. This was where people went.

Her mom kind of confessed to her that she should die.

Also, Damon was there. He said something sappy, eyebrows dancing in the coming rays of the sun.

Elena's skin was melting off her bones as the sun started to come up. Damon thought Elena looked beautiful in anything, even foaming at the mouth and hair crazy. He lunged into the water with her.

SPLASH.

* * *

Jeremy chopped off the hybrids head, and Tyler was so betrayed but all he could come up with was. WHAT THE FREAKIN' HELL BRO?

While Stefan watched over the execution, trying not to notice how close Klaus was standing, because, dude. NO HOMO.

And if he kind of wanted to hold the hybrid's hand, that was all just left over bi-sentiment from the 20's.

* * *

Elena's bedroom. Her ring on her finger. Damon.

Handholding.

ANGST.

"Stefan is a good man."

"But he's been lying to me!"

"But he was trying to look for a cure for you."

AND ALL IS REVEALED.

* * *

Suddenly, Damon appeared in the Grille. The patrons and workers in the Mystic Grille alike collectively groaned. Damon wore Alaric's briefs around his throat like an old fashioned cowboy kerchief. He ordered two drinks.

Matt appeared, because he had a shitty job, and a shitty life and no one cut him any slack.

"I decided to become relevant and do detective work. All by myself."

Damon listened attentively, snarking in between.

But in the end, he gave Matt a biscuit.

* * *

"So, my hybrid friend is dead. This is why we are drunk."

"Klaus and I are going to go on a date."

"This feels like the correct moment to display an irrational level of anger that hints at a future in domestic abuse."

"Okay."

"Cool."

Tyler hurled his glass into the window.

* * *

Bonnie and professor Shane were in his office, having eye-sex.

* * *

Stefan and Elena had a talk on her porch where her growing sexy feelz for his brother were inevitably talked about as something that she not only couldn't help, but something that was also Not Her Fault. Because _god forbid_ an independent woman not be held responsible for her actions.

Also, Connor, for all his mean-ness, had had really nice arms. And she kind of had still wanted him in her head space.

Also, she kind of wanted to bone Damon without it being cheating at least ONCE. AND, she was still sure Stefan had had sex with Klaus.

She loved her boyfriend, he was all a girl could ask for. Big green eyes and broad shoulders and the ability to be guilt tripped into anything. He was endearing and sexy and probably sleeping with Klaus.

Now, women had a sixth sense about these things. Elena just knew something iffy was going on that allowed her honest butter-couldn't-melt-in-his-mouth boyfriend to just betray her like that. Making deals with Klaus! Hmph, her brother had been in danger and stuff. Even if Stefan had helped, it wasn't like she didn't think something fishy was going on. Even if the fishyness was done for her sake. He wasn't under compulsion either, so there wasn't going to be a whole other 'Those aren't my condoms. Um, Klaus compelled me into having wildly meaningless sex with…people." excuses for her to be willing to accept anymore. and he liked to pretend that she didn't know he watched re-runs of on BBC.

Everything was Klaus's fault!

She was a newborn vampire, no one understood what she was going through! She wanted to eat people all the time, and like, that was a huge deal. Because, it wasn't like anyone else had done it before.

Also, she needed space, to find herself. Maybe bone Damon and go to India to Eat, Pray, Love, but mostly just have sex.

They kind of maybe broke up. But KIND OF MAYBE. Not certainly. Because god forbid anyone on this show be direct and final about their feelings.

NEXT WEEK ON THE VAMPIRE DIARIES; MORE ANGST.

YOU WILL PROBABLY NOT WATCH IT BECAUSE, CONNOR'S ARMS ARE NOT MAKING AN APPEARANCE.

BUT I HEAR THERE IS KLAROLINE.

ALSO, SCREW YOU PEOPLE. NOT NEXT WEEK. YOU'RE WAITING AN EXTRA WEEK.

BECAUSE OF REASONS.

* * *

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_NEXT NEXT WEEK, ON THE VAMPIRE DIARIES;  
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_MORE BULLSHIT.  
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**end notes: **this was all harmless fun, also, will update every time a new episode comes out. because recapping is fun.

p.s also, guys. apparently i was nominated as best dark author in the klaroline awards and i'd love it if you went and voted for me - BUT ONLY if you actually think i'm worthy. otherwise, you should still go there and vote for other people, i know i've voted on a ton of my favourite authors so you should too!


	2. My Brother's a Creeper

**disclaimer:** i don't own anything.  
**dedication:** to my four reviewers; tyluv3, acronymed, leo-RAWR and Silvereyed Queen. Thank you so much for taking the time on this crap, and for leaving me with such kind and beautiful words. This one's for you.  
**warning:** everything here is basically recapping tvd episodes but with a determinedly mocking tone, because if the plot aint crap...well, i wouldn't be writing recaps would i?  
**notes:** don't even get me on tvd episodes recently, i just wanna throttle everyone.  
**even moar notes:** as always; I REGRET NOTHING.

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_THURSDAY NIGHT ON THE CW._

_SEASON 4, EPISODE 6_

_MY BROTHER'S A CREEPER_

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PART ONE

* * *

Stefan was doing manly things to work out his angst, like sit-ups and push-ups. In the woods like wolverine. His I-phone sat immaculately on the piece of rock he was using as a bench to hoist himself up continuously as part of his super manly Elena-detox routine.

"Oh my god, seriously," Caroline was ranting into her phone, being a Merciless Dictator of Taste over everything as she sorted out the mess that was the Miss Mystic Falls preparations at the Lockwood Mansion. "Stefan, don't turn into a Ripper again. It's sexy as heck, I know - but I totally don't need you skipping town just because you're having murderous feelz."

"She said she wanted to bone Damon."

"What?" Caroline shrieked, indignant that her best friend and her other best friend were on the rocks just because Damon had perpetual bedroom eyes. "What the _what_?!"

"I know," Stefan hissed into his knees as he did crunching jumping jacks in nothing but a wife-beater. "I can't believe she can't see what a douche Damon is! He's totally negligent, he has no duty of care to anyone, he never remembers anyone's birthday and he's basically a complete asshole."

"No way!" Caroline decided, doing the Mystic Falls required duty of defending Elena's progressively shitty and shittier decisions. "She's probably just messed up because of going through the vampire thing, it's changing her body and messing with her brainz."

"I don't know," Stefan said prissily, "I'm such a good boyfriend, and now? I'm what, I don't even have a girlfriend anymore! My world is off its axis!"

"Don't worry, Stefan. Elena is _seeks_ validation through the men she dates, when she breaks up with Damon she'll be on you like a hot potato."

"Well, now she's broken up with me she's probably on _him_ like a hot potato!"

"Like dude, I don't know what you want from me. I am the biggest Stelena shipper in the world, toning down on your sassiness wouldn't be amiss!"

Stefan grumbled. "I want to eat people. Grief gives me the munchies."

"Well don't eat people!" Caroline snapped and hung up the phone.

Elena managed to come see Caroline during the Miss Mystic Falls preparations and not actually help with anything, Caroline plastered on a smile and swung an arm around her best friend's shoulders. Elena looked sad and mopey and confused (default) and Caroline was obviously around to make her feel better about herself in spite of how mad busy she was currently.

Caroline kind of wanted to bash Elena's head in with her clipboard, because hello. _Damon Salvatore_.

Okay, she needed to be _subtle_ about this, she needed to be cool and _ninja._

"Did you just break up with Stefan because you have a boner for Damon?"

Elena was aghast, "Caroline!"

"I'm not taking sides or anything, I'm just trying to rationalize how you broke up with perfect husband material to hanky panky with Damon, you know my abusive ex-boyfriend who made me feel like utter shit."

"Hey, you're totally attacking me."

"Am I!" Caroline was apologetic. "I'm sorry, it's just that we're best friends and as your best friend I want to know what the heck happened to just…you know…cause you to think crazy things like this."

"I don't know!" Elena sighed mournfully. "Ever since I've become a vampire I've been getting all these feelz, everything is _heightened_."

"Why, I wouldn't know the feeling." Caroline quipped but it flew directly over her friend's head.

Caroline went off to shout at American Olympic gymnasts or something while Elena sighed to herself.

* * *

Stefan found himself in a very awkward position, with Klaus's arms around his throat, from you know, the back. No homo or anything, but he tried not to wiggle too much, because gosh, this was so _embarrassing!_

Klaus smelt of sexy things like blood and pine and bourbon and death or _something_, Stefan's fit of swooning almost didn't let him hear the way Klaus was hissing against his hair. Something about discretion and like stuff, no homo though.

It then occurred to Stefan that he was being strangled, it was pretty stupid though, since he didn't even need air considering he was all dead and stuff, but he didn't want to tell Klaus that.

"All I want is for you to hold me forever and ever like this." He mumbled,

"Come again?" Klaus demanded, aghast.

"I said -" Stefan rushed, snappy, "This is freaking gay. Ugh, gosh."

Klaus nodded and stepped back, Stefan missed him already.

"So, what's up?"

"You're a complete idiot, blathering to everyone about the cure like that."

"I just told _Damon_."

"Damon is a manwhore who confesses everything to every person who encounters his drunk ass in the Mystic Grill."

Stefan did not argue.

"Also, stop tweeting about everything that ever happens. God damn."

Stefan shoved his i-phone back into his jeans pocket, admitting nothing. "Ugh, what do you want Klaus?"

"You're going to need to find vampires for Jeremy to kill."

"Oh, man, today? I kind of thought I could use today for some R&R? Some _me_-time?"

Klaus glared, "No."

Stefan hung his head and pouted.

* * *

Stefan came back to Salvatore HQ to meet his half wasted brother, he was totally not in the mood to see Damon's stupid face.

"Elena broke up with me!"

"AWESO- I mean, um, lets go eat sorority girls, bro bond over the notebook, it'll make you feel better."

"How about NO." Stefan harrumphed, anguish written clearly over his face. "And bitch please, don't pretend like this isn't the greatest day of your life."

Damon was affronted when his brother refused to tell him were he was going, but was polite enough to start his victory dance only after Stefan had already left with a shady rucksack full of shady items. The Victory Dance involved a lot of pelvic thrusting and fist pumping and jazz hands and eventually Damon worked himself into such a triumphant tizzy he almost forgot to go check what he was going to wear to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant.

* * *

Elena was arranging an assortment of flowers in a vase, pouting at her life. Caroline bounced over to cheer her up. Then all of a sudden professor Shadypants appeared. Elena sighed, not noticing him and Caroline narrowed her eyes, noting his four o'clock scruff. Scruff normally meant evilness, and no, not on her watch _motherfucker._

"Excuse me," he approached, "I'm here as a judge for the pageant?"

"GTFO," Caroline offered politely, waving him into the parlor.

"Um, sure," Shane said, and obediently departed.

When he left Elena woke up to reality and turned to Caroline, eyes wide and fearful, "He's the one who told Damon about the hunter's curse."

"And Bonnie wants to bone him, she's so hot and bothered over him she was too distracted to come and help with pageant prep. Also, I think he has her practicing some weird juju."

"And now he's judging Miss Mystic Falls?"

"Kind a creepy."

* * *

Jeremy and Matt were heavy lifting things because that was Matt's default and Jeremy basically needed screentime to show how sexy he was all of a sudden.

He lifted two tanks over his arms leaving Matt floundering over his lack of supernatural usefulness. "I say!" Matt cried in surprise.

"Indeed you do!" And they both swung arms around the other's shoulders and began manly chortling at the clouds.

* * *

Stefan breezed through hospital security because it's not like people in Mystic Falls knew how to guard anything, he conveniently found a serial-killer guy at the end of the corridor because god forbid Stefan kill an innocent person and he was just there so, you know, whatever.

He sent off the incompetent policeman guarding the door and strolled into the room where the dirty-looking criminal was handcuffed to his bed. Stefan was used to walking into rooms to find people handcuffed to beds back in the day, so he wasn't at all phased, he just strolled all-gentlemanly to the man and said. "Howdy. I hear you kill people."

"Yup, it's kind of my M.O."

"Are you innocent, even remotely?"

"It would be inconvenient to Julie Plec's Salvatore fetish to be innocent, so I'm not. God forbid you guys commit evil deeds."

"I know right."

"So, yeah, totally innocent. Your murdering hands are clean, because I'm evil. Did I ever tell you about the time I killed a cute Dominican baby? Murder is awesome... Society wants me to be ashamed but shame turns me on. And murder turns me on too, really, I'm a pretty despicable guy. I ate a puppy once, you know? Just because I could. You'd be doing the world a favor to murder me, it's all cool."

"Cool, you're evil. This makes me feel better about what I'm doing."

"I'd say this totally justified what you're doing!"

"I'm the _morally upright_ Salvatore!"

"Yeah!"

And then Stefan fed him his blood and snapped his neck.

* * *

After Klaus was done strangling Stefan and violating his personal space in the woods like two men is a soft core porno he went off to see Caroline.

"Good evening and good morrow to you fine lady." He greeted courteously.

"Fuck off." Caroline said promptly, scribbling on her clipboard. Her only true love.

Klaus pouted. "I only came around to find out what time I should pick you up."

"How about a quarter to _never_?" Caroline said sweetly, turning away with a flip of her perfect hair, the perfect flip that gave shampoo commercial makers wet dreams.

Klaus pouted harder. "You promised me a date."

"Yeah, like to a movie, or Rocky Horror or something."

"Well, wouldn't it look bad for the reigning Miss Mystic Falls to appear without a date? You certainly aren't hoping to take Tyler after his indiscretions with a certain lady werewolf friend?"

Caroline glared at him, totally not up for this sympathy for the devil thing just because he was being British and charming and sexy and british and charming.

"By indescretions I mean him bending her over a tree in Canada and basically sex. Infidelity and all that jazz."

"_Klaus._"

"Yes?"

"Ugh. Fine, meet me here later. And don't you even _think_ about buying me a corsage or anything! My love is not for sale!" She shouted and flounced up the stairs leaving him looking somewhat contrite.

And he'd had such a pretty lacy number in mind too.

* * *

So, Tyler had found out that not only did he have to break the sire bonds of like, twelve ungrateful assholes he also had to attend some dumbass Miss Mystic Falls event. Normally a dude like him would have gone stag, but he couldn't bear the thought of walking into the place all lonesome while Klaus tried to tastefully grope his girlfriend.

"Hey, why don't you go with me?"

Tyler just didn't know what to _do_, he ruminated deeply over a glass of brandy while Hailey traipsed his mother's home in little but a whipped cream bikini.

"Tyler, you could go with me. It'll make sense."

Tyler thought about whether or not he even had to show up for the thing, but then he realized he had to, god, who knew what would happen if he didn't? If only to ease his conscience he'd attend.

"TyTy…let's go together,"

Hailey kept screaming inaudible things, rolling around on his writing desk and doing athletic stretches in the room. But a man with such heavy thought could not be distracted.

And then suddenly, the idea fell on him like a thunderbolt, of course. He could go with Hailey, right? As friends! "Hey, hobag. Wanna go with me to the dance?"

"Even though your girlfriend has second-thoughts about the platonic nature of our relationship and I'm a shady new character who's totally shady and more than likely to not only come to the even dressed like I have a streetcorner with my name on it, be a total bitch about the rich traditions of Mystic Falls and probably attempt to infuritate your girlfriend so I can fulfill my life long ambition of being an easy homewrecker and sleep with you?"

"…Ugh, you totally get me, Hailey. You're like my bro, but a girl."

"So you think this is a good idea, because you know, I'm totally up for it."

"Best. Idea. Ever."

* * *

"So," Matt nudged his bro with his elbow, waggling his brows, "Somebody's taking April Young to the ball?"

"Ugh, we're just friends. She needed and escort, and obviously you were taken by Elena. Being ownership of Elena and all."

Jeremy and Matt had continued their manly chortling all the way to the little boy's room, and werre now trying on their suits and cuff links and basically preparing for a Mystic Falls Pageant. Matt had somehow managed, with his financial situation, to swindle himself a rented suit and actually came to prepare for the event looking like he gave two shits.

Jeremy struck a pose by the mirror and snapped a new facebook pic, because seriously, he was cuter than the IKEA monkey.

"We are so ready for this!" He squeed, manly-ish of course. It was a manly squee now that he was going around heavy lifting cars and live stock just because he could.

Matt decided this was a moment to talk about people's feelz.

"So you've been having dreams about killing your sister." Matt said tactfully, "What are you going to do about it?"

"Meh, nothing. From what I understand the urge to kill Elena Gilbert is perfectly normal, it's all over the internet."

"Huh," Matt said, relieved. "You still have tumblr?"

* * *

Stefan sent Jeremy a text message;

_Meet me in le Lockwood cellar_

Jeremy squinted at his i-phone for a long time, then told Matt he'd catch up to him later.

_Lets skip the subtle bullshit, I iz about to kill some bad mofo vampires, you in? Don't be a pussy._

Jeremy was many things, ghost-fucker, head banging emo kid with a soft spot for daughtry and sophia coppola, but a pussy, this motherfucker was _not_.

* * *

Caroline and Elena were chilling in the dressing rooms at Miss Mystic Falls, giving constructive critique on the candidate's clothes. "Slut," Caroline said, "Slut, slut, slut."

All four candidates walked out, hanging their heads in shame.

The fifth candidate was April Young, a slit climbing up her dress to her thigh, Caroline eased in, leaning forward from her chair to observe constructively. "Slu -"

"April," Elena interrupted, "What is with your dress. Ugh, this is a sensible event, not a slut parade."

Caroline's eyes teared up with pride, _finally_, she was making headway with her brain dead friend. If Elena was in the right mind to pay attention to fashion then maybe there was hope for her in the end...?

April who was the obedient sort of ninny made for taking orders from mean girls nodded her head, and was ready to leave the room to change into her nunnery clothes when suddenly a wild Damon appeared.

"'Sup," he said, draping his body artfully across the door frame, "Nice dress, by the way."

Caroline narrowed her eyes.

"Really? You think?" April gushed, but Damon wasn't paying attention, he was was making sex-eyes at Elena.

"Ugh," Caroline said.

"You know, Damon might have a point." Elena chirped, doing a complete 180. Caroline almost cried, because seriously. SERIOUSLY?

"Yeah, you should tots wear it." Damon said, busy Blue-Steel-ing his way into Elena's mental panties.

"Get out you asshole, this is the lady's room."

"April," Elena chirped, "You should totally wear that dress."

"What is this even?! What the fuck is _wrong_ with you people?!"

"It's not too…" April said, flushing.

"Slutty?!" Caroline roared, sarcasm heavy the same time Damon snapped his fingers sassily. "Fierce?!"

Elena applauded Damon's wit avidly, "It's fierce!"

"I'M SORRY, IS SLUT IN SEASON?" Caroline shot up and shoved an elbow at Damon's face, effectively dislodging him from the door frame where he was propped like an explicit male pin-up. "GTFO, HO."

Damon gave her the stink-eye then slunk out of the room, but Elena was hot on his heels, panting after him. Caroline shoved April out of the room too, Miss Mystic Falls despairingly walked into a corner where she put her head in her hands and tried not to weep hysterically.

* * *

"Damon!" Elena called out, chest heaving as she threw herself down the stairs after him.

Damon stopped and turned around, "That's my name, don't wear it out."

Elena sighed, and uttered that sentence that has been killing boners ever since conception. "We need to talk."

"Aw, _man_."

"Yeah, it's pretty serious."

"Well, I heard about the break up from Stefan. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'd be lying."

They began to walk across the room together, Damon trying to discretely run out through the door before Elena could kill him with her estrogen of feelz. But Elena was adamant,"What did he say?"

"I wasn't really listening."

"So he didn't ell you why?"

"Nope."

"It's because of you. I want to sex you. That's why."

Damon stared at her, speechless of this reveal - because, _shocker!_ - but also because what the _what_, if that was a declaration of love he was taking it. Also, this whole thing felt really awkward and contrived, like Klayley and then a wild Shane appeared and basically interrupted everything.

"OH HI SHANE, HAVE YOU SEEN THE GARDEN OUTSIDE?" Damon leapt upon the man, taking him by the arm and laughing as if they were having a concensual gentlemanly conversation about Monet. "I JUST REMEMBERED WE NEEDED TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING SOMEWHERE THAT IS NOT THIS ROOM. CHEERIO DARLING, THE MEN WILL BE TALKING FOR A BIT."

Damon dragged Shane after him, out the door, ignoring Shane's whining. "But I really need to find the _bathrooooom_."

* * *

Shane really needed to pee, it was probably the least nefarious thing he could manage in his whole shady existence.

"So," Damon untangled his arm from around the professor's shoulders, looking annoyed. "I 'm in search of another hunter."

"Look Damon, I had three glasses of apple juice and I -"

"Tell me were to find one!"

"Ugh, I thought you already had a hunter!"

"I do, but I don't like his face. I need another one."

"There's nothing I can do to help you, man. Now please, if you could just let me pee -"

"Oh really?" Damon got all up in his face. "You're a shady guy, professor. A real _shady_ wise-guy. You have some weird plans all up in Mystic Falls, some ulterior motives that I know are just _evil_, so what is it? What've you got up your _evil sleeve_?"

"…my _arms_?"

"Hey, don't vote for April Young just coz you feel bad about killing her dad. Coz you knew him, didn't you? No pity votes. I heard you two wracked up a pretty crazy phonebill."

"He was my _lover_. Did you just accuse me of murder at a high school pageant? Seriously, Damon, stop being such an uppity mean-girl."

"Hey, that was a damn good movie."

* * *

Jeremy wandered into the shady Lockwood cellars, Stefan was brooding in the shadows and came out to greet him, seeping out of the dark like some teenaged Gotham Knight.

"What are we doing here?" Jeremy sighed.

"You have the chance to make your sister - my ex girlfriend - human again, what'd you think? You up for it?"

"Sure."

"Okay, stake this vampire. He's evil."

"This is like, the second time you Salvabros have called me in to kill some supernatural shit. I'm starting to feel unappreciated."

* * *

—

.

.

.

_NEXT CHAPTER, PART 2 OF THE SAME EPISODE ON THE VAMPIRE DIARIES;  
_

_MORE BULLSHIT.  
_

_SOME BASTARD HAS LEAKED A PHOTO OF A SCENE THAT NEVER HAPPENED WHEN JOMO'S NOSE AND CANDICE ACCOLA'S NOSE ARE TOUCHING._

_IT WAS NO ACCIDENT._

_IT WAS ON FUCKING PURPOSE._

_I WILL FIND THAT LYING TEASE,_

_I WILL MURDER THEM._

_MOVING ON._

.

.

.

* * *

**end notes: **meh, I tried.


End file.
